Develop a ‘quiet ego’

The news feed on my phone, not surprisingly, features a lot of psychology-related content.

This morning my attention was piqued by a Forbes article on “the power of a quiet ego for a happy life‘.

Digging further into the term ‘quiet ego’ led me down a bit of a rabbit hole which ended up with a 2008 chapter “The psychology of the quiet ego“.

I am still very much trying to sort out where the concept fits in psychological landscape, but the reason I think I am drawn to the topic, is that it seems to be providing some specific directions for where someone might focus self-development efforts.

Specifically, it suggests the cultivation of 4 psychological states:

• Detached awareness: Practicing mindfulness, being present, and accepting one’s thoughts and feelings without judgment or defensiveness (I am present)
• Interdependence: Developing a balanced and integrated sense of self and others, identifying with a wider and deeper psychosocial world, and empathizing with other people’s perspectives (I am part of something)
• Compassion: Cultivating a caring and supportive attitude toward oneself and others, especially in times of conflict or suffering, and fostering the well-being of all beings (I am kind)
• Growth: Pursuing personal and prosocial development, seeking to transcend egotism, and embracing challenges and opportunities for learning (I am growing)

An activity that comes to mind that would support all of these would be a regular guided meditation practice. For example, get a year’s subscription to Waking Up or 10% Happier. Spend some time each day in mindfulness practice or listening to lectures/courses on different meditation topics. Repeated exposure to the concepts above, and how to practically implement them is likely to increase their presence in your life.

Combined, these states are hypothesised to produce a quieter ego. What does that mean? As far as I can gather, a sense of self that is more balanced in terms of self- versus other-interest and recognition of strengths and weaknesses, less defensive, able to integrate multiple perspectives, more expansive, capable of growth over time, aware of its own structure and more. ‘Quiet’ here seems to be referring to something akin to an inner strength/wisdom.

Why would you want that? The authors argue, and I would agree, that many psychological interventions seek to provide individuals with more sophisticated, nuanced and interconnected conceptualisations of their selves with health and wellbeing in mind. For example, in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), you develop more nuanced and accurate beliefs. In positive psychology interventions (PPI) you practice attending to and amplifying the positives in yourself and others. In Social and Emotional Wellbeing interventions in Indigenous Peoples, individuals are taught that the self encompasses responsibilities to Country and others.

In essence, the more elaborate a model you have of who you are and how that intersects with the world, the better you’ll be able to navigate the complexities of everyday life, and produce good outcomes for you AND others. In this regard the term ‘quiet ego’ is short-hand for the characteristics of such a self.

I can see some evidence of the benefit of quiet ego characteristics in my own life, in that the more I’ve engaged with content related to mindfulness, empathy, compassion and growth, the more I’ve been able to expand my sense of who I am, how that relates to others and to be a little more prosocial in my actions (i.e. a little less egotistical). I’ll be honest though. I still spend most days wrapped up in my own story and somewhat detached from others. I suspect a ‘quiet ego’ is something that someone is generally moving towards, rather than achieving definitively. I certainly have a long way to go.

Scott Barry Kaufman has a good article on the topic over at Scientific American if this is interesting to you and you want to dig in a little further.